Saturday, July 2, 2011

What do you think of my story so far?


What do you think of my story so far?
High school, new school, new people, great. At first I thought a fresh start would be good for me. But, as I look out my window at the old, desolated school, I decide maybe a fresh start can wait. I’m from a small town, so I’m not used to the whole switching schools thing. My stomach cramped because of fear, I clutched my sleeve. I started tapping my fingers on the door handle. I don’t know why. I’m not even wanting to get out of the car. I just want to go back to my old house, curl up into a little ball on my bed and go to sleep. I let out a sigh. “Rachel,” I jumped, “Sweetie, I’m really sorry we had to move, but Dad’s job and all…” Mom tailed off. Mom was feeling sorry for me? I’m the one feeling sorry for her. Mom hasn’t lived outside of our old town since the day she was born. She wasn’t up for our move. Why did we move again? I can’t remember. Oh yeah, Dad works at this computer company. He’s worked there since I was about, um, 8 years old I think. He got sent to work at the center in Murfreesboro, Tennessee. I was born in Memphis, so was my mom, and dad’s from Murfreesboro. So Dad was up for the move, it being his home town and all. “Really mom,” I forced a smile, “I’ll be fine.” I looked over at the school, old, dull, boring looking school. We passed by large oak trees, their trunks were huge, biggest I’d ever seen. (Then again, I’m from Memphis, we don’t have many trees there. Just lot’s of buildings and houses) I watched their shadows over lap our car. Then the sun would peek back out through the trees massive branches and old, dead leaves that were still attached. We had out sun roof open, so I could smell the fresh cut grass. Green grass, and I do mean green, green. Like the dark color of Green you find in the crayon box’s, and you always use it when you color in your grass on the picture you drew. Then when you use all of the pretty green color up, you have to use that icky color of green that nobody likes. “Ok, but if you have any problems with bullying or you don’t like the classes your in…” I cut her off. She was going to start rambling and go in ‘over protective mom mode’. I hate that mode, but then again, who doesn’t? “Mom, have I ever had a problem with bullying?” I crossed my legs and looked at her. “No, but this school is a bit bigger than the one at our old town. More kids, and you don’t know anyone here, no one can stick up for you-” “Mom!” I groaned and turned my head out my car window, sulking. As we got closer to the school, the more I wanted to turn around and high tail it out here. But, I knew I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Since my Dad works in computer software, you have to move around a lot for that business. But he’s high up enough in the business where he can stay in one location, and not have to go across the world for some type of meeting. But this time the location was my Dad’s home town, so he wanted to go this time. So here we are. Yep. I didn’t mind moving, I can still go to my friends houses over the weekends, it’s not that far of drive. I’m sure I would get home sick and have to go back and see my old house at some point. I’ve only been to four different schools my entire life; my elementary, my middle, my old high school (I only got to go for freshmen year) and now this high school. And only lived in 2 different houses my whole life; my old house in Memphis, and now this house here. “Ok, ok. Fine.” She parked the car, and got out. I, however, sat in the car looking at the school. About a million thoughts went through my mind at once. The first one I thought about sent a wave of nervousness over me, Principals. I saw the principal of the school. She was short, curly black hair that stopped at her shoulders. She was standing at the school doors, waving. Waving. Not the kind of wave that welcomes you into the school, the normal wave. She was waving like she was trying to flag us down, make sure we saw her. It was imposable not to, she started waving with both arms, yes, arms. I smacked my forehead and groaned. Why me? Of people in this world, why me? Everything bad always happens to me, I’m the unlucky one of the family. We’re Cherokee and Irish (then some other stuff I can‘t ever remember). “Double the luck” my Papa would always say. Luck of the Irish and luck of out Cherokee ancestors. I’ve never heard of lucky Cherokee’s, I’m pretty sure he just made it up. You know, so he could go around saying “Double the luck.” That’s my Papa for ya’. He’s why I have that hint of red in my hair. I snapped back in to reality when my mom nudged my shoulder. “Come on…” My mom opened the door for me, probably knowing that if she didn’t open the door, I never would. It’s not like I’m in a rush to meet the Principal. Who would be anyway? She was wearing a bright red top with a denim skirt. Yeah, it sounds like it would go together. But the texture of the top just made her look like she belonged in a circus. I keep my mouth shu
Books & Authors - 2 Answers

Random Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
1
This is the only book I have ever wanted to read on Yahoo! Answers Most of them are just wanna bes' how old are you please PLEAE email the fished copy i would suggest in the thrid paragraph that you dont add the word "um". most people usually use it when people are talking like "Um..sure, if thats what you want." I said, unsure. You should revise the sentence in the 3rd paragraph where it says I looked over at the school, old, dull, boring looking school.


2
-You switched tenses in the beginning. -I think you meant 'trailed off' not 'tailed off'. -I didn't read any further than the first two paragraphs because it is just too unoriginal; the whole new kid moving and dealing with a new school shindig... -Also, you are telling way too much way too soon. I understand it is first person, but the character is so informal that it is kind of annoying. With her say "um" and "Why did we move again? I can’t remember. Oh yeah..." is odd. She really didn't remember or is she being sarcastic? I think you need more description to tell the story instead of the character just spilling the beans.

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