ive written my college essay and i need somone's opinion on how it looks??? Growing up as a child I feel as if I have the great aspects of becoming a student in your college because; im intelligent a go getter, and I always accomplish what needs to be done. I grew up in Salt Lake City Utah, I moved their when I was two and stayed their for over 9 years, I traveled to over 36 states and NO! I wasn’t an army brat. This is how it all started off as I remember; when one night I woke up with this feeling that I just entered the world of reality I still to this day don’t know if I was dreaming or having a hallucination of some kind. It felt as if my whole child hood flashed before my eyes starting from when I was a baby to like 5 years old. It was a shock for me but that moment then I knew that I had a purpose in life. To be all that I can be because theirs only one life and you should cherish each and everyday of it. I remember as a child I always had friends older than I was… I was always an A student I use to stand up for other kids all the time because I felt it was the right thing to do, but one day I was 5years old and I was riding the bus home from school this girl ; looked as she was a giant over me. Pushed my friend on the floor of the bus, and took her seat I was so angry that I stood up and told her to get up. The girl stood up towering over me as if I was a midget of some kind, I looked up and said you herd me “even though I was terrified insideâ€. The girl looked at me and took her finger and slid it across her THROAT as if she was cutting something and yelled out, “your dead meatâ€; after that day I rode the bus hoping that I wouldn’t see her I was scared for my life I dint really stand up for anymore kids after that lol I had my own life to protect. As I was a child I had many hobbies playing basketball, kickball, soccer, football, softball, hardball, and volleyball. You might as well be able to say I was a typical tomboy I didn’t like to wear dresses or skirts even though I hated those girly type clothes my mother still made me wear them everyday. I played all types of sports in dresses, and skirts, but aye I didn’t care I just wanted to have fun. One day I was about in the 3rd grade, I went out for recess and everyone decided to get together and play kickball. It was girls against boys I was wearing a dark blue jean dress and some black slide in sandals. This was the first official day that I started playing sports; the girls were behind by 2 points and it was my turn to come up to the plate I pulled my foot back and kicked and missed the ball, I was so upset but then the other girls on my team encouraged me to keep trying. So I watched the ball as it bounced towards me and I kicked the ball my sandal flew in the air, and the red ball flew all the way over to 6th graders playground. It was almost half of the field I was so shocked looking at the ball that I had forgot to run until all the girls were yelling at me. I then ran to 1st, 2nd, then 3rd base and made an HOMERUN!!! I was so excited and happy after that day I decided to play all types of sports because I saw how much fun it could be. Also I use to play the violin in our school orchestra I enjoyed playing that instrument, but I had to quite when we moved to Memphis Tennessee. I was upset when we moved their because it took a large toll on me I had to adapt to an environment that I wasn’t use to. As I entered middle school my mother felt as if I should re-enter band and learn how to play other instruments, that’s when I learned to plat the clarinet, piano, flute now I know how to play multiple instruments. I draw the smallest picture like a sticker or something and can draw a large portrait of it. I wrote stories and poems since I’ve been in the 3rd grade from horror to science fiction, funny to just plain old boring. In conclusion, I believe that an education is one of the most important things to have; but I don’t believe that it should measure a person’s intelligence. As in my child hood I know that I’ve accomplished and done many things of which other students haven’t, but im okay with that im glad of the person I have become today.
Homework Help - 2 Answers
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1
first, be more forceful in your opening, "I have exelent qualities that will serve me well at your college." or something similar. It's hard to correct spelling through yahoo answers, you should have someone look it over or look it over yourself carefully for your spelling mistakes like their instead of there in the second paragraph, spell check won't catch that. The subject matter is good but there are many gramatical and spelling and sentence structure issues. I recomend you have an English teacher look this over.
2
I agree with Mr Fuzzykins. Your opening is very weak. It is also full of grammar, spelling and punctuation errors. It is impossible to edit it on this forum. It is something that requires a red pen to circle the errors. Talk with your English teacher. It is very important to build a good foundation of knowledge about the English language. Everything you do in the future requires it. Best of luck.
